


SUnanigans Collection

by Solariac



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Humor, Not Beta Read, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-01 03:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21350218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solariac/pseuds/Solariac
Summary: This is just a place to toss my more light-hearted and humourous SU one-shots.In other words, shenanigans with the cast of SU.Chapter Three:  "Now Steven, you know I'm supportive of your fashion choices, but…" She paused, a hand moving to her chin while she scanned him up and down. "Why on Earth are you running around in a large, puffy white dress while barefoot at seven in the morning?"
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe
Comments: 22
Kudos: 66





	1. Forbidden Snack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I think about the fact that Steven canonically eats flour.

The moment Connie stepped into Steven's house, she was greeted with the sight of the gems casually putting away groceries. Well, as close to casual when Amethyst was in the corner of the kitchen downing a rather large bottle of pristine white mouthwash. She was about to comment on her behavior, but Garnet glanced over at her and raised a hand. It seemed someone else was already on the job.

"Amethyst, please! Mouthwash is not for your consumption, it's for Steven!" Pearl had squawked at the purple gem while angrily gripping a bag of fresh apples. The mentioned gem paid no mind, and if anything she was only encouraged as the entire bottle of mouthwash was popped into her mouth. The white gem groaned exasperatedly in response, but turned back to her current task of putting away groceries. Connie had to stifle a snort with her hand.

Taking the renewed silence as her cue to speak, Connie cleared her throat. Each of the gems, sans for the already aware Garnet, stopped what they were doing to blink at her sheepishly. "Hey guys!" She called with a simple wave. 

"Oh! Hello Connie!" Pearl had greeted back with a tint of blue flushing her cheeks from embarrassment.

"Sup dudette!" Amethyst shot her a thumbs up before burping up a bunch of minty bubbles loudly. That only made Pearl sigh in disappointment, and Connie shook her head while scrunching her nose at the overwhelming scent of mouthwash.

Connie peered around the room, but she couldn't spot Steven anywhere. She tilted her head in puzzlement, and shrugged. "Where's Steven? Didn't he go shopping with you three?" She vaguely recalled that he texted her earlier about a shopping trip. He wasn't putting away groceries with the gems, but he had to be around the house somewhere.

Pearl had already partially went back to stashing away snacks, but heard her nonetheless. "He's up in his room right now." She answered and started humming a soft tune to herself.

"Oh, alright! Thanks!" The human girl answered back and turned to head up the stairs. Just as her foot touched the first step, a loud choke stopped her in her tracks.

"Wait!" Amethyst had shot up to her feet while hacking up a storm. She was spitting mouthwash and chewed up bits of plastic everywhere, which was a little gross. "Don't go up there yet!" Her arms waved in the air erratically, and Connie raised a brow in suspicion. 

She humored the gem by crossing her arms and leaning against the nearest wall. "Why not? Is he busy?" She asked curiously. While it is entirely possible that he either went to sleep or something, it wouldn't be a cause for Amethyst to jump up like that in alarm. 

"He's…" She paused and darted her eyes back and forth as if she were searching for what to say. A sparkle of recognition lit in her eyes, and she grinned. "rewatching Crying Breakfast Friends! So uh, maybe visit later 'Con."

"I already know that he cries during rewatches." Connie commented begrudgingly. She even had records of how many times he texted her crying because of a particularly emotional Crying Breakfast Friends episode. So yeah, this most likely wasn't it either, and they both knew it.

"That's not-"

"Let her go, Amethyst. She'll have to find out sooner or later." Garnet added ominously from where she was innocently placing a lone bag of sugar into the cabinet. 

Connie shrugged at her words, and began to climb up the stairs again. She knew the gems were weird, but this was just confusing. What did Garnet mean by 'she'll have to find out sooner or later'? Such cryptid words. More importantly, what was Steven doing that she didn't already know about? He wasn't exactly hard to read. Behind her, she heard Amethyst groan something about 'the bro code being shut down by the g-squad'. This whole thing had gem antics written all over it, and she'd get to the bottom of it in no time.

She slowly peered around the corner and into his room as she reached the final step, but nothing seemed off at first glance. Steven was laying upside-down over the edge of his bed, his hand shoved down into some kind of bag that was plopped lazily on the floor. His buried hand lifted from the bag and pulled out a handful of white powder-  hold on, is that flour?

Connie didn't comment anything aloud, as she wanted to see where this was going. The more she surveyed the room, the worse the big picture was. She eyed him suspiciously, as he was already covered in white dust, as was his bed and floor.  What...? The teenager carefully brought his handful of flour up towards his face, a bit of the powder falling through his fingers and onto the floor.  What was he-

Steven proceeded to put the entire handful of flour in his mouth as if he were eating a potato chip.  Oh, okay .

"Uh… Steven?" She spoke softly, deciding that she should at least make her presence known. Apparently that was a mistake on its own.

Steven slowly turned his head to look at her. Panic immediately settling in his eyes as he realized what she had just witnessed. He choked and coughed, sending large clouds of flour everywhere before he flopped off of the bed headfirst, scrambled to feet, and bolted out of the already open sliding door. She was about to follow him, but as soon as she reached the sliding door, the hybrid catapulted over the wooden railing on the balcony while still holding the bag it flour, effectively spilling it everywhere as he took off.

Connie gaped, clearly mortified at what she had just watched happen. Steven had been  casually munching flour.  A trail of flour followed him after he  dived sideways off the balcony.  Good thing he can float. It took a few seconds to comprehend what had just occurred in front of her, but when she did…

"What the  fuck?!"

A pan clattered to the floor along with a shocked gasp. "Connie! Watch your language!" Pearl screeched at her distantly from the kitchen. She heard the telltale snorts of Amethyst's deafening laughter accompanying her scolding. 

"Don't say I didn't warn you, 'Con!" Amethyst yelled up to her before breaking into another fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Connie wasn't even listening to them anymore. She stood in the middle of his room absolutely baffled  that this boy was  eating flour right out of the bag.  His room was an absolute mess of powdery white  everywhere.  Speaking of Steven, he wasn't anywhere to be seen on the beach after his impromptu escape. However, there was a messy trail of flour spotting the beach, and it headed toward Beach City.

When he eventually came back, he had  a lot  of explaining to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've tried flour before and that's mad nasty. What is this kid thinking?
> 
> Anyways, this is just a buffer of things I've worked/will work on between other larger fics like IW (BIDWIT). No guarantees of when this updates, but enjoy my poor attempts at humor.


	2. Jailbird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl is not a law-abiding citizen and it shows (but for good reasons)

Steven sat atop his bed with his tongue poked out of his mouth in focus. His guitar was settled against his chest, and his hands delicately plucked each string. He nodded thoughtfully as each string made a pleasant sound. After he confirmed that the guitar was tuned to his liking, the guitar was properly settled against him. A familiar tune worked its way through his mind and into his fingers as he began to play simple notes. Right before he managed to play the first note of the song, his phone began buzzing from where it was resting beside him. He yelped in surprise, and the note he was about to play turned into a sour sound. Steven sighed in annoyance, but picked up the phone anyways. 

_ Unknown Caller _stared back at him from the phone screen. He blinked owlishly at the random call, but he wasn’t exactly alarmed by it either. Ever since uncorrupted gems started mixing in with the human race, their cultures blended as well. He couldn’t count the amount of times on his fingers that a gem got their hands on his phone number after they received a cell phone themselves. The phone continued to ring, so he hurriedly brought it to his ear before it had the chance to stop. 

“Umm… Steven Universe speaking. Who is this?” He asked awkwardly into his phone.

“Hi… Steven.” An all too familiar voice answered back. Wait a minute, was that _ Pearl? _She had her own phone, so why was she calling him from some unidentified one?

“Pearl, why are you calling me from a random phone? Is yours dead?” Steven paused to think, and ended up gasping. “Hold on, are you okay? You sound quiet!” He fussed away worriedly. She had only left a few hours ago to go to some party, but there was no update since then. From what he’s picked up about parties, _ anything _could happen.

“Well, about that…” Pearl trailed off mysteriously. A soft, yet somehow embarrassed chuckle carried through the speaker. 

Her responses were _ really _not easing his growing anxiety. Was now really an appropriate time for a Pearl chuckle? “What? Where are you?” He stood up from his bed and glanced around for his jacket. “Are you hurt or crac-”

“I’m currently in the human facility known as… ‘jail’.”

Steven’s expression dropped into the blankest look possible. Was she being serious? This was Pearl, so the question was answered by itself. Oh boy. He had to think of what to say in response to a fact drop like that. His worries had disappeared, and now he just had an overwhelming sense of confusion and existential dread. “Pearl, why and how did you get arrested when you’re supposed to be, you know, partying?” He groaned while slowly dragging his free hand down the left side of his face. 

“That is not important, but could you please drive down here and pick me up? There’s no warp pads nearby and I’d rather not have to walk to one all the way from Empire City.” The white gem continued to speak casually as if nothing was wrong. Even after thousands of years, this gem still had no spots in her gem dedicated to the usual human law, or at least she acted that way sometimes.

“Empire City?” He commented puzzledly, but then his eyes practically popped out of his head. “What do you _ mean _walk? How are you just walking away from- oh my gosh, Pearl! You can’t just walk out of a jailhouse!” At this point he was internally screaming. What on Earth did Pearl do?! He picked up his jacket from where it was lying next to his bed, and buried his face into it so he could let out a muffled screech. That made him feel a little bit better.

“Also not important!” Pearl hissed quietly. “Are you free to drive down here or not?”

Steven went ahead and slipped his jacket on one arm at a time so he didn’t drop his phone. After both of his arms had been inserted into the sleeve, the phone was held back at his ear. “Um, yeah.” He glanced around his room. Where did he set the keys to the Dondai again? They weren’t in his room, so maybe the kitchen table. With that in mind, he trampled his way down the steps and into the kitchen. The temple door caught his eyes, and he had a new idea. “Oh! Do you want me to bring Amethyst along? She likes this kind of thing, especially from you.”

Pearl audibly groaned through the receiver, and that itself was a definite answer. “Absolutely not. If you tell Amethyst that I got arrested, I will never hear the end of it.”

The metallic gleam of his keys was apparent as he glanced in the direction of the table. He scooped them up with one finger, and began to spin the keys in anticipation. “Okay, I just don’t want to be alone when I’m also arrested for harboring an escaped fugitive.” Steven stopped spinning the keys and clasped them in his hang with a soft clink. “Getting a criminal record at 16 is kinda rough now that I think about it.”

“Steven, in all technicality, you’ve been_ living _ with escaped fugitives for 16 years.”

He instantly grimaced at her sense of humor. He was glad that she was getting her own personal kick out of this. “Honestly that’s fair.” He sighed matter-of-factly, even if that wasn’t what he was getting at in the first place. “I’ll be there to pick you up in 20.”

“No you will not, Steven Quartz Universe!” Pearl began to scold him. “You will follow the speed limit young man!” She continued to shout, and boy was she being hypocritical. If she wasn’t being a law-abiding citizen, what made her think that he wasn’t just following her example?

He hung up the phone with a shake of his head before the gem had the chance to break into a chastising rant. The keys dangling in his hand jingled as he opened up the front door and toward the car parked in the sand. This was going to be a ride and a half both there and back. He only had to hope that Pearl didn’t get herself caught again by the time he made it to Empire City.

—

Steven made it to the city in a record breaking 23 minutes, not counting the two he spent traumatized watching Pearl climb into the car out of a dark alleyway with scorch marks littering her form and dots of blood dusting her knuckles. After the jailbird spent the first ten minutes yelling at him from driver’s safety, she finally told him why she was arrested in the first place.

“I punched an angry homophobic man and broke his nose.” Pearl had admitted with a shrug. 

“Oh, that’s iconic, but what about the scorch marks?” He questioned, his eyes flicking between the road and the white gem sitting in the passenger's seat.

“After I punched him I set his car on fire and someone called the police.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: ah yes what's the next chapter boys
> 
> My clown brain: yhhh pearl commits arson on a homophobic man
> 
> Me: p e r f e c t


	3. Best Dressed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl is used to occasionally seeing Steven in dresses, but this act in particular is really setting off her suspicion, though she can't seem to figure out why.

Of all things Pearl thought she'd have to witness in the morning, she never thought that  _ this  _ would be it. She could already feel an exasperated groan working its way up her throat, but she suppressed it in order to figure out what was going on. Steven was currently prancing and floating around the house while wearing some unusual attire in comparison to his usual blue or black star shirt with jeans and sandals. It was time to get some answers. She cleared her throat authoritatively, and the teenager stopped in his tracks.

"Now Steven, you know I'm supportive of your fashion choices, but…" She paused, a hand moving to her chin while she scanned him up and down. "Why on Earth are you running around in a large, puffy white dress while  _ barefoot _ at seven in the morning?"

Steven doesn't respond at first, and instead, he just blinked at her owlishly with an innocent smile as if he didn't understand what she had said. His expression reminded her of Lion before he steals something off of Steven's dresser, so she can already tell that this kid is up to no good. He was activating her sense of suspicion. Was he trying to be suspicious or was he just that innocent? His smile grew even wider, and he perked up more than he already had been. "I'll tell you if you can get Garnet and Amethyst over here too."

_ No, he definitely being suspicious.  _

"Alright," Pearl agreed, still not taking her eyes off of him. "I'll be back as soon as I find them. You… stay here." She hesitated slightly before stepping back over to the warp pad. Steven shot her a thumbs up, but the innocent and playful look never left the depths of his dark eyes as his other hand messed with the ruffles of his dress. That look alone scared her but for all of the wrong reasons. 

No point in dwelling on what Steven was planning now. Garnet and Amethyst needed to see this anyways.

-

After a grand total of five minutes, Pearl had convinced both Amethyst and Garnet to come back to the temple from where they were both respectively hanging out with gems in Little Homeworld. They both had been equally confused by the fact that Pearl had approached them with vague concern, but obliged in following her back anyways. Hopefully Steven was still dressed and acting like  _ that  _ so this wasn't all for nothing.

Thankfully (though not really for Pearl), Steven was still standing in the living room just as she had left him. Did he stand right there for five minutes straight? "We're back!" She announced as casually as possible with both of the gems behind her as the light faded from the warp pad.

"Yeah, what's up du-  _ snrk"  _ The purple gem snorted mid-sentence only to start laughing while her finger pointed right at him. "Wooow, I gotta say Ste-man, your outfits are really getting more creative!" Pearl made a noise akin to a growl, but Garnet beat her to it.

"Amethyst." The fusion warned while crossing her arms. This didn't silence her of course, but she did lower her own volume down to quiet giggles. Pearl's eyes darted over to Steven, but he didn't seem phased at all by Amethyst's display toward him. "You wanted to tell us something, Steven." Garnet prompted the boy on. 

He nodded at her, and began to shuffle back until he was in front of the door. Pearl felt her internal suspicion levels start to rise again. Apparently the others had no idea what he was going to do either, or at least Garnet was good at hiding it. Who knew what Steven was about to do? 

The hybrid in question cleared his throat similar to how she did earlier, and his smile dropped into the straightest line he could manage. She could feel the dread crawling in her gem, but she paid attention nonetheless. He brushed off the fabric of his dress, and smiled again. 

"Hey guys, watch this!" Steven shouted suddenly while waving one of his filled hands in the air.  _ Hold on, was that a smoke bomb?  _ He was holding a lot smoke bomb in his left hand! When did he get the chance to grab and light that?  _ What-  _ "Guess who I am!" He continued to beam, and Pearl watched in slow motion as his entire arm began to fling downwards into an arc with the lit smoke bomb in his hand.

"No no no, Steven! Not in the house!" Pearl screeched as soon as she realized what he was going to do. Unfortunately for her and the rest of the gems, they were too late to prevent inevitable. The smoke bomb slammed into the wooden floors of the house, and Pearl was fifty percent sure that he had just dented the floors with his toss. The objected obscured their vision in smoke, but through the mass of gray she could still make out the silhouette of his figure opening the door, and then decisively slamming it against the wall with an audible bang. 

Pearl exchanged confused glances with Amethyst as the sound of slapping bare feet grew more and more distant. She then looked to Garnet for an answer, but she could only shrug as well. Now she wasn't one to curse, but the only thought that she and the rest of the gems could agree on right now was the overwhelming collective feeling of  _ What the fuck, Steven. _

The small cloud of gray cleared up enough to where Pearl could see again, but Steven was long gone. From the looks of it, he was nowhere near the temple either. She had to piece together the puzzle of what he did in order to understand the picture here.

_ A large white puffy dress, an overly innocent expression, a yell of "Guess who I am!" before disappearing into a cloud of smoke. Hold on… no way. _

Oh.  _ Oh.  _ It finally hit her. She was pretty sure she understood now.

"Did Steven just… make a Rose joke?" She mumbled her thoughts aloud. 

Her words floated in the newly dawned silence, but as soon as Amethyst processed what she said, the gem dropped to the floor while howling in laughter. "Holy shit!" She wheezed, her fist banging on the wood the harder she laughed. "Sorry G, your Master of Comedy title has been revoked!"

The mentioned gem nodded while thoughtfully placing a hand at her chin. A grin then plastered itself on her usually stoic face. "That's fair, he earned it." 

Pearl settled with a drawn out sigh and facepalm at this entire mess. Steven had willingly, albeit mockingly, imitated Rose Quartz. At least he could openly joke about his own mother now, so she'd count that as an improvement on her mental Steven chart. She wondered how long he had been planning to do that. Besides, it  _ was  _ pretty funny if she was going to be entirely honest.

The worst part about it was that Steven didn't even come back until late that night after bolting out of the door at seven in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steven already makes cynical comments about Rose/PD so I decided, y'know, why not take it up a notch?
> 
> My writing speed can go anywhere from spewing an entire chapter in an hour to writing half of one in an entire week. I'll let you figure out yourself how long this one took me to write.


End file.
